I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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