It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
