I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
