Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
