I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
