I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
