The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
