I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
