right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We left the knife in your bed.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.