Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!