My sheets look like a crime scene.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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