capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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