dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
