he told me I talked like a deaf person
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We don't watch enough power rangers
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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