you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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