rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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