bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
They have beer where we have blood.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
