I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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