At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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