Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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