I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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