I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
