is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?