I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
