I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
