Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I yelled at your uterus for you.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
