scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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Do I have a choice?
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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