First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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