idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
