I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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