Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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