i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
