I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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