I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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