Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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