and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
