dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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