I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
