we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
