I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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