I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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