hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
