I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
