I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
