I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
