He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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