Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
