i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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