I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
