Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
