Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
false alarm, still single
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