why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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