your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
home. puking in laundry basket.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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