omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
