I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This house was built for laser tag.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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