If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
