Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
