I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
