The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
