Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
