bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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