if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
